Product Review: Sparks Plus

I got a promotional can of this stuff - a paltry 10 ouncer. In retrospect, downing it all in a matter of minutes was an act of hubris. Just that much was like an all-night binge compressed into about an hour. First you feel a little tingle. "Hey," you think, "it's like someone added bargain bin gin to my Kool-Aid. Outstanding." Then everything kind of kicks in at once and it's like you're thinking clearly for the first time in your life. This is the best (only?) rave you've ever been to and it's inside your head. "Why," you ask yourself, "do I ever NOT drink Sparks Plus?" Then things start to get a little out of control. Your stomach starts to curl up and you can feel little balls of flavored drink mix clogging up the blood vessels in your brain. A headache comes out of fucking nowhere and your blood sugar level plummets. This is when you should have stuffed a cookie in your mouth and tried to keep dancing, but you lose momentum and wake up an hour and a half later sprawled out on the floor with your cat licking your eyelids. Thanks, Sparks Plus, for a wild afternoon.